


Unexpected

by HyperKid



Series: Trans Caleb AU [14]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Cat boy Caleb, Gen, Guess who just invented a body modification spell and forgot he could use it too, Self Destructive Behaviour, Self Loathing, the Widogast Special, trans!Caleb Widogast
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:00:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27116477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HyperKid/pseuds/HyperKid
Summary: With Veth’s transmogrification finally complete, Jester is just buzzing to ask Caleb if he wants a turn. Caleb can’t fathom a world where he doesn’t deserve painful dysphoria and nice things.But he almost wants to.
Relationships: Background PolyNein, Background Shadowgast - Relationship
Series: Trans Caleb AU [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1341280
Comments: 14
Kudos: 118





	Unexpected

**Author's Note:**

> HK: Look!! Look at him! The boy is making progress!   
> Mollymauk: This would make a lot more sense as an end note.   
> HK: If we start worrying about making sense now we’ll never stop, and then where will we be?   
> Mollymauk: Touché. Still, it’s been nice to see Caleb’s canon journey of transformation.   
> HK: It really has, I’m so proud of him? There’s still suuuuuuch a long way to go but he’s made a teeny tiny bit of progress!   
> Mollymauk: And invented magic and shit.   
> HK: And invented magic and shit! Including a more solid option than just True Polymorph!   
> Mollymauk: Must be nice not to be level 5.   
> HK: How would we know? 
> 
> WARNINGS!! Caleb is an angsty sad and broken bean who genuinely believes he is the worst. So, the usual. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing and no one but I am more than content to play in their sandbox.

As they were picking up the remainders of Marion Lavorre’s bath tub, Jester caught Caleb’s eye and gave him a curious grin. 

“So... it worked this time,” she pointed out cheerfully, scooping up one of the larger chunks of porcelain. Caleb couldn’t help a soft smile just at the memory of how happy Nott... Veth had been. 

She’d disappeared somewhere with Yeza pretty much immediately, which he could only take as a compliment. 

“Ja, it did,” he agreed, glancing around the wreckage of the room and sobering a little. “I am sorry about...” he gestured vaguely, not really having the words for the explosion of bath and clay, “this?” 

Jester waved it away immediately with a dismissive sound, dumping another chunk into the large bag they’d brought to clean up. 

“Someone else will get most of the mud out, we just need to get all the sharp or dangerous bits.” 

It stirred a hint of rebellion in Caleb, another of those increasingly infrequent reminders of just how different their upbringings had been. He’d spent more nights scrubbing someone else’s mess than making his own, especially at the Academy. That was what apprentices were for. 

Mud was always easier than blood, shit, and offal. And smelled a lot better. Still, it was nice not to have to do all the clean up personally. That seemed to be a Mighty Nein thing; they left a lot of mess behind. 

It didn’t seem to be what Jester was driving at anyway. Not from the way she was still watching him, her enthusiasm almost bubbling over. 

“Have you thought about doing it for you?” She finally asked, unable to hold it back any longer. 

Caleb stilled, scooping together a handful of baked clay and porcelain shards. In all the time he’d been researching permanent body transformation for Nott... no. He’d never applied those thoughts to himself. 

Just the idea that he could do it, that he could afford it, could cast the damn spell himself if he wanted to was new and frightening. His first instinct was to duck his head, to back away from the idea that it’d be worth wasting magic on him. 

Nott, Veth, she was worth the world and he’d have moved heaven and earth to help her. She was important, valuable, she had her family and her friends and she was so much more worthy than him. She wasn’t a monster. 

Even the thought that he might not spend a moment every day resenting his shape was unreal. That he could have a body he wanted. Any body he wanted. 

It was too fucking much. 

He’d been still too long, Jester’s excitement had faded out to concern and suddenly her hand was on his and Caleb jumped, physically knocked from his darker thoughts. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered softly, those gentle, concerned lilac eyes searching his. “I just thought... you might want us to get more clay.” 

And staring at that open, gentle face, Caleb knew she would have. Would have done it in a heartbeat, paid from her pocket if he or Nott had needed it. Just to see them happy. 

How could he tell her he deserved a body he hated? 

How could he tell her he’d only just begun to believe he had friends? That people would value him for more than his uses? 

He managed a tight smile, turning his hand over to give hers a gentle squeeze. 

“I had not thought about it at all,” he admitted quietly, glancing at the mess all around them. So much work for someone to clean up. For something so trivial as his comfort. 

She thought he was worth that. 

So would Fjord. Beau. Caduceus. Yasha. Veth herself, and if she ever heard he’d not bothered thinking of himself she’d give him such a scolding. 

So many people who cared about him. It stabbed at his heart, brought a lump to his throat and tears to his eyes. He forced them back with a tight smile, running his free hand through his hair. 

“I haven’t even thought about what I would change.” Both Jester’s brows rose in a decidedly suggestive way and he truly smiled then, giving her a nudge. “For a permanent change. Not something I can do differently every night.” 

His smile seemed to settle her and she grinned, nudging him back. 

“Maybe you’ll have to start trying different things out and see what sticks first,” she teased, her tail looping briefly around his thigh. 

It was... an idea. Caleb was almost shocked by how reasonable it seemed. How quickly he warmed to it. 

He could just try things out when he had a spare Polymorph, a spare Alter Self. See what made him comfortable in his own skin. 

The damn tits were going, that was thing number one, but if he was remaking his whole physicality... he could make himself buff. Just that thought made him snicker, the idea of him being broader or taller than Fjord, just to fuck with him... 

Alright, maybe trying out different shapes would be fun more than practical. And it wasn’t like he didn’t have plenty of volunteers to help him test out any genital situation he could think of. 

Frankly it was hard to imagine his sex life without a little magic now, the amount of times he, Jester, or Caduceus would Polymorph themselves or others to fuck. Being stuck with just one dick all the time would be... 

Nice. 

It’d be nice to have a baseline, a body he was comfortable with and didn’t have to worry about needing a spell later. He could already imagine Essek’s reaction to him having a whole new body to memorise. A regular dick he could have whenever he liked. 

The drow would probably demand something obscenely large. Just for fun, it wasn’t like his toys would disappear or he’d force something like that on Caleb or pressure him. Just because that was how Essek dealt with more delicate feelings. 

Caleb let himself indulge in the idea for a moment. A long moment. It wasn’t like he could think about it seriously, but it was nice to imagine it. 

A world where he really was the person they all thought he was, actual and whole and not just a twisted little monster too cowardly to show himself. Where he hadn’t killed his parents, where he deserved to be able to make changes to the body they’d given him. 

He wanted it so badly he could almost taste it, and even being able to want it cut at his chest. He wasn’t allowed to want things. Anything that he wanted, anything that he cared about, anything that he loved would only be ruined. 

He’d ruin them. Just by association. 

But so long as he knew that... so long as he knew he’d never have it, never deserve it, never be worth it... he could maybe have a little fun with the idea. As a joke. Something for them, for his friends’ amusement. 

So he gave Jester a smile and patted her shoulder, going back to the clean up. 

“Ja. Maybe.” 

She’d appreciate any prank he can come up with, that was certain. It was so much safer to just think of it as something Jester might want. 

So when he came down to dinner that night at Caduceus’ seven feet tall, broad as Yasha and with a pair of kitty ears, her cackle of laughter soothed the last traces of self loathing. When he sat next to Fjord, who hadn’t blinked and couldn’t seem to shut his mouth, and the half orc swayed away for just a moment before straightening, he knew he’d got it right. 

He didn’t want a body like this. It was ridiculous. Beau shot beer out of her nose the second she saw him. 

And they wouldn’t ask him again about changing his body. 

**Author's Note:**

> HK: Some day I’m gonna catch up on 111 and have a bunch more stuff to write, but honestly I’m avoiding it til the WIP pile goes down a little? And until I recover my beans. I’m being 2020’d again so wish me luck!


End file.
